Good-bye Xeloda!! So long diapers! Hello SEX and SWIMMING!

I have had severe diarrhea for SIX MONTHS without more than a day or two break every month or so. There is a lot that can be managed with adult diapers and medication.

And,of course, avoiding anything that resembles PNW healthy (leafy greens, whole grains, raw foods) definitely helped.

But sex and swimming were both activities that never really became a  reality.


My scans still read “stable” — but crazy high tumor markers and some deeply experienced based intuition on the part of my oncologist say let’s-stay-ahead-of-this-and-switch. Both Xeloda (my current chemo) and Halaven (my next chemo) are chemos you aren’t even allowed to take until you have enough “chemo failures” under your belt. So this definitely isn’t some sort of celebration. Both Xeloda and Halaven have  11% response rates. But I got 6 months on Xeloda. I might get lucky on Halaven, too.

Halaven causes CONSTIPATION!! WHOooooooHOOOt!! And NO HAND/FOOT SYNDROME! Swimming! Sex! Long walks without sudden explosive emergencies!!

Yesterday my podiatrist, while repairing the THIRD ingrown toenail I’ve had in two months, mentioned that I remind him of an old car he had once which kept having the same expensive issue come up time after time. Yeah. Thanks, Xeloda and your Hand/Foot Syndrome!!

Speaking of cars, I realized this morning that I am in LOVE now with my beat up minivan. I love the old peeling bumper stickers, the tears in the carpet, the stains of past kid-disasters and now, the deep, acid, fruity smell of dog treats.

And you know, I really do rock those diapers. What a funny thing to have this bleeding, tender, boobless, diarrhea ridden tired body and be so dang PROUD of it. We are alive, people!

My body walked through that “you could die” prognosis and found an unlikely, rare skinny trail to continuing. Every step now is a bonus, a gift. Go BODY!

Yes, I might lose all of my hair again. Yes, this chemo might not work. But we’ve found some paths out of dark forests before. And the view of swimming in the sunshine and having sex with my husband (kids are going away next week, by the way!!) is just pretty dang good.


3 thoughts on “Good-bye Xeloda!! So long diapers! Hello SEX and SWIMMING!”

  1. Your candid humility and grace cease to amaze and inspire me. I think you know, I was an ER and ICU nurse for many years and been fortunate to witness what matters most to people when time is limited. Spiritually speaking, perhaps the most fortunate are those who can transcend the initial fears and feelings of loss in the face of death and embrace the value of each remaining moment. I am talking about the fortunate few who are able to appreciate diapers and withered bumper stickers. Those who can face the journey with an open mind. That sounds like transcendence. I think Buddha would have taken notice. Forgive me if I went too far with spiritual rhetoric, but thats where my mind went after a generous glass of wine. You are in my thoughts! Cheers to swimming and sex!


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